My daughter is not only beautiful, she has an amazing heart! I can’t wait for her arrival on Saturday! She has big plans for us in the kitchen. Pre-chemo round 3 we will cook up a storm together. Post -chemo round 3 she will cook for me.

She sent me this the other day: “This song is my theme song for you :-). Makes me think of you..”

She has been planning for weeks. Ensuring she would be here for, what I am told, will be a difficult round; gathering recipes that will help me fight cancer; making me some of her amazing natural creams and mouth care products. She is warrior right by my side – and those who know her fierce spirit, know she is a formidable one! We got this Mother..F__er Cancer!

Here is a perfect example. Her plan it to substitute my tea and toast (the only thing I can really stomach sometimes) with tea and endurance crackers.

For those who know me well, know the kitchen is my sanctuary. For years I was known for my cooking. Nothing pleased me more than having family and friends come visit so I could feed them. It was my way of showing them they are cared for. I would plan ahead for days, staying up late to ensure I had all the prep done so I could feed them well and still have time plenty of time to enjoy their company.

Things changed for me in the last 8 years. It has been difficult to find the time in the kitchen that I would like – the demands of 3 teenage boys at home and what they were going through, demanding career, managing a house and ensuring I was making time for the exercise I need to keep my mind and body healthy; along with the many hiccups that seem to keep coming my way. (Please, if I hear “Well, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” I am going to get physical. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end anytime some one says that – topic for another post… but moving along….).

Whenever I can, or when life becomes overwhelming, I will hunker down and do some cooking. Feeling creative, productive and reinvigorated. Not to mention practical, since I am “moving inventory” (which I always have plenty of – 28 years of shopping at Costco and feeding 4 kids created a grocery shopping habit that is proving hard to break. I still fill 2 refrigerators and have a chest freezer… but I am getting better – really, I AM! The second fringe is only half full now. I no longer have to constantly rearrange the freezer in order to close it.. SO SO VERY PROUD of myself).

The kitchen has also been a place that has helped me process the unimaginable; slowly heal through the simple pleasure of cooking. It has allowed me to indulge, without the guilt of indulging – “we all have to eat”; “this is a practical necessity”; “so what if I spent 3 hours cooking that meal when I should be catching up on house work”! Oh and the glass glasses of red that accompanied me in the kitchen helped too…or maybe that is why it took 3 hours…hmm, never thought of that…oh well, no matter. All to say – it was therapy.

It seems my daughter has inherited this love and need to be in the kitchen. (So has one of my sons). I still have images of Steph as a cute 5 year old, hosting her kitchen show. She had it down pat – the open, the close, every line, the process, the recipe. She was a star! At the time, we had a black shiny front fridge that looked like a TV screen – that was her audience. She would chat away to that TV – measuring out ingredients, explaining the process, emanating joy. God help me if I walked in front of the audience or spoke out of turn. I think she was channeling Julia Child since she also had a very ‘affected voice’!

She has moved on to bigger things – a crafted life in Banff, entrepreneurship, sophisticated recipes, to name only a few. She uses her curiosity about food and nutrition to cultivate a skill for cooking that is at another level – always experimenting. She introduces me to new things all the time. I love her research and self-education – her drive to always be better in every aspect.

Steph will arrive Saturday and we will enter the kitchen frightened, confused, pissed off but with love. Seeking solace, understanding, laughter, and hugs. We will be surrounded with wonderful aromas and positive wishes from so many. We will leave the kitchen with fragrant, nutritious dishes and, more importantly, a beautiful reminder to embrace the simple pleasures – because the secret to life is finding joy in ordinary things, no matter what the circumstances.

Not feeling so hot today. My headache from last night is still there. Woke up at 4 am but managed to get back back to sleep until 5:15am.

Met a friend for breakfast. It was wonderful to have a purpose this morning and get out and enjoy a good catch-up! Thanks B. I felt off when I finished breakfast and had to make a beeline to the bathroom – digestive issues flaring up. I feel like I have the flu (but I don’t think I do).

My head is more than a dull headache – it is difficult to articulate. A bit dizzy, sort of vibrating and numb. I decided to ask “Mr. Google” – carefully, very carefully. I have learned my lesson for the most part. I googled “chemo headaches”. I found lots of people complain of headaches. Of course, there are all kinds of chemo cocktails, so hard to know if that is relevant or not. My oncologist said only in the first few days post chemo so that isn’t really helpful.

Then it hit me – anemia. I have battled with anemia for years, but never experienced headaches – only dizziness, shortness of breath and fatigue. I have been able to manage it with prescribed heme iron. My blood work showed I was borderline anemic (below normal but only slightly) in the tests taken the day before my first found of chemo started. It went down even further after the first round, so it is likely worse after this second one. So I googled “anemia headaches” Bingo! Lots of information. This all makes sense now!! I have calmed my mind once again!!!! Can’t wait for Monday so I can put this worry aside.

Anyone have some good puzzles I can borrow? I am in need of a few challenging ones!

Chemo Brain

The information is vague at best. The stats vary – I have seen 45% to 75% of people affected by chemo brain on different sites. My oncologist told me that cancer.gov is a reputable site so I will go with the 45% ( I like those odds).

It is called chemo brain but research has not narrowed it down. The cause could be the cancer, chemo, radiation or hormone therapy (which doesn’t apply to me since I have TNBC). Symptoms include:

• Forget events, names, or other things.
• Have trouble thinking of certain words when you talk.
• Have trouble learning new things.
• Take longer to do routine tasks.
• Have trouble concentrating or feel like your mind is in a fog.

My effort to fight chemo brain will also fight the boredom I expect to experience. I have been doing some research, downloaded some brain game apps and ordered a jigsaw puzzle (will be great to do with my daughter Steph who comes Saturday – yippee). I have read books on the brain before but will re-read (I forget what they said!! yikes – that pre-chemo brain thing). Exercise and nutrition are key so I will keep doing my best in these areas.

There is some promising research that could lead to treatment. They used one chemo chemical for the study (methotrexate). I am having 3 different chemicals, none of them methotrexate. However, I assume this study will be extended and will benefit people down the road.

I know some of my friends will be curious so below I have included a video that is presented by the Stanford Neuroscientist whose laboratory conducted the study referenced above.

General Update

I slept well last night and woke up feeling very good!

I got out for a skate this afternoon and last night. Both of them with a friend – thanks T & M. The conditions are fantastic. My speed is picking up. Skating has become my barometer – measuring the decline of toxins in my body. I felt strong today so I did an extra 1.5K meaning 16.5K. Meaning.. I deserved this, not very cancer friendly, treat….

I spend considerable time managing the side effects of chemo – in particular digestive and the mouth. Mouth sores are an issue so there is a high level of diligence involved – constant brushing, rinsing with salt water or baking soda (my waterpik helps with that). I am noticing changes to my skin – spots, dryness, scalp red. Today, I had a slightly tender spot on the crack of my mouth, which is quickly turning into something more. My weapon is Polysporin and a Q-tip.

I have a headache tonight – just a mild one, but it bothers me. I got a call from the hospital and I am booked to see my oncologist on Monday morning. I will get the results from the brain scan then. That will be a relief – I am sure – right? There are so many things that can cause headaches! I shall believe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5P28IENXCk

Don’t forget to comment and let me know if you have a puzzle I can borrow!

Hey All,

Sorry I have been offline the last few days. I have been hunkered down for the most part. Cocooning, thinking, resting and reading.

Here is what I have been up to the last few days:

I meet with my cancer coach. That was interesting! I realized I am actually in a pretty good place and have set myself well for this “process”. She made me feel much more comfortable with my decision to take a leave from work (I have been struggling with that decision despite the oncologist and nurses telling me to do so.) She said it is rare that people work through breast cancer treatments – particularly since I am on dense doses. She stressed that this is a full-time job since besides the treatments and appointments you need to focus on trying to keep the body & spirit strong and fueling with good nutrition. She let me know where there are some fitness classes for cancer patients (people can’t show up sick, so relatively safe). She also told me about a program that helps patients deal with chemo brain (more on that later).

I was invited out to some friends for a lovely dinner on Saturday night. It seemed like the first real meal I had in awhile! I didn’t’ think I had an appetite but the company was great, the food delicious – I gobbled up every bite. I was even sent home with a care package of muffins and tea – people are so kind!! I was still quite fatigued Saturday so started fading pretty early and crashed as soon as I got into my pjs.

I managed to get out for another skate on Sunday with a friend. There were crazy snow squalls when we got there; people struggling to move forward. Rather than heading downtown and fighting the wind back we skated to the Hartwell locks and then skated the Dows Lake loop. By then the wind had died down a bit and the sun was coming out so we headed downtown. I managed to skate 15 km – with several rests along the way. I’m still much slower than my norm, but I was faster than Saturday and went further. I was quite exhausted by the time I finished. However, I didn’t have to sleep for fours hours to make up for it – did rest for most of the day, however. Good progress I would say!!

Sunday afternoon a friend dropped by with some delicious homemade soups which I have been enjoying for the last two days.

Monday I woke up at 4am and wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I had a mild headache and just wasn’t feeling hot. I took advantage of the early morning and started working on my plan to proactively fight chemo brain. This is particularly important to me since I think I have suffering from “pre-chemo brain” – same symptoms, no excuse!!! In the afternoon, a friend picked me up for another skate (15K). There was no wind to speak of, so the skate was much easier – the beavertail and hot chocolate helped. I felt much better after getting out.

I have been lethargic today so I felt music therapy was in order. This resulted in my new awesome playlist with 230 songs called “Mega Kick in the Ass Cancer” (it’s on Google Play).

I am almost finished Michele Obama’s book “Becoming”. Love, love, love it.
This woman is the embodiment of integrity, grace, intellect, beauty and class, not to mention commitment to the greater good. She really opens up and shares the stories of her life – growing up poor and black on the south side of Chicago; getting married and struggling to maintain that marriage; about motherhood; about being thrown into an amazing and terrifying position – one she never aspired to. She is just so open, real, and funny. I love her even more. A must read!!!

Even though my head has been shaved, the little that remains is continuing to fall out. Little bristles everywhere! Still hoping I keep my eyebrows and eyelashes!!

Not sure what I am “becoming” through this process, but I will be stronger by the end.

Time to get on my trainer. I think I will listen to this song

Lyrics

Breast cancer and chemotherapy
Took away her crownin’ glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy every day of her life, oh
On national television
Her diamond eyes are sparkling
Bald-headed like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like, hey

This is the song that was on repeat during my skate today.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B1HbQibAw0&feature=share

Over the Mountain, Across the Sea

Over the mountain
Across the sea
There’s a girl, she’s waiting for me 

Cross over the river, beyond every cloud
She’s passed the wind that’s blowing loud
Over the mountain, a girl waits for me 

Tell all the sands and every blade of grass
Please tell the wind to let my love pa-ass
Over the mountain, a girl waits for me 

Tell the moon up in the sky Tell the birds that fly-why by
That over and over and over the mountain
My love waits for me

Into each dark and starry night
Oh, what a mystery that’s sealed so tight
Over the mountain, a girl waits for me 

Why does this song speak to me?  

Because I feel like I’m someone else; while my real self is waiting for me somewhere over the mountain.

I’m still coming to terms with this temporary identity that has been forced upon me. I fear I won’t get back to that figurative “little girl” that is waiting for me. That little girl that is my healthy self. That girl that has strong bones, can ride a bike for a long time, skate ski up hills and bomb down hills in the mountains. I fear I’m am going to lose too much… and so, I’m driven by the fear.

Fear is a primal instinct. It is a great motivator. It is fear that got me out on the canal this morning, despite my fatigue. It fear that gets me on my trainer for a few minutes a day. Too often, fear has been the motivator in my life. However, this is a change as it relates to exercise – a big shift – fear has not been my motivator for enjoying the activities I enjoy. For the most part that is born out of love.

Writing has helped me process. It has proved therapeutic and clarifying. It took working on this blog post to realize that I might ruin it for myself if I let fear motivate me.

I really listened to the words of that song this morning and it spoke to me. I can’t fall into the fear trap. I need to give myself a break and look for the love to motivate me over the mountain.

” Tell the moon up in the sky Tell the birds that fly-why by
That over and over and over the mountain
My love waits for me”

OK, so now that the sappy spiritual stuff is out-of-the-way (You’re going to have to bear with me. Remember, I’m on the path to enlightenment!!!) my update….

I’ve been sleeping/resting quite a bit since Thursday dinner time. The bone and muscle pain is pretty much gone. Although I do get chest pains (my oncologist told me this is normal since the chest produces a lot of bone marrow. It can feel like heart pain but it is just the bones).

The fatigue is powerful but not nearly as bad as the first round. The nausea is under control. My appetite has tanked a bit. Tea & toast, or a muffin, are my favourite meal. Although I am thankful for my Vitamix as a way to get some nutrients.

Since Thursday, I have spent many hours horizontal; meaning, I was starting to spin out. (Yes, the fear set in). So, as you’ve already gathered, I forced myself to head out for a skate. The canal had been flooded and swept, the sun was shining and I had some great music playing. It was a slow skate but I made it downtown and back. (Maybe being motivated by fear isn’t such a bad thing).

That skate took everything out of me though. I got home, immediately crawled into bed and slept for fours hours. My body demanded it!!!!

All in all, this round is going much better than the last one.

Once again thanks for all the great support. I had three people within 15 minutes offer me a ride yesterday. I’m grateful to have so many good friends.

“The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~ Jack Kornfield

“Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life” ~ John Lennon

I love supporting small business’ that are built on passion and truly trying to fill a niche (this is why I work at Sparkrock). As such, I want to send a shout out to Maureen at Love My Hair . She was so wonderful yesterday.

I had been to several wig shops in Ottawa over the last two weeks, but wasn’t quite satisfied with what I had seen. I came across “Love my Hair” after a google search. This is an online store but Maureen, the founder, happens to live in Manotick. It is a short drive away, so my aunt took me out there and my friends Madeleine and Derek joined us (I needed a ride home since my aunt was heading back to Kleinburg from Manotick).

Maureen was fantastic – warm, friendly, knowledgeable and empathetic. Not only did I find the perfect wig, but also a beautiful soft bamboo chemo cap (I had been looking online but hadn’t found anything I liked. There is not much of a bamboo selection in Canada). I plan to buy another wig and this is where I will go. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!

She doesn’t just carry wigs. She carries all kinds of other products including something called ‘boost and blend’ which is a hair thickening fiber for women with thinning hair. This is a passion business for her!! That was very evident yesterday. That said, she shared her sales numbers. She has some good volume of sales after just over a year – WELL DESERVED.

So, my friends, if any of you know anyone who is dealing with alopecia, Love My Hair is the place to go. She even has fun wigs – pink hair for your next Halloween party? She sells across Canada but we’re lucky enough to have her located in our nations capital.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dyl0j3WU6Y

Today was the day – out with the old, in with the new.

Breast cancer and chemotherapy
Took away her crownin’ glory
She promised God if she was to survive
She would enjoy every day of her life, oh
On national television
Her diamond eyes are sparkling
Bald-headed like a full moon shining
Singing out to the whole wide world like, hey

It was a long day. Head shaved, wig shops, and a visit to the Cancer Centre for an appointment with my oncology surgeon. Missed my 15 minutes on the trainer – but I am good with that!

The steroids have worn off. The fatigue is setting in. However, it doesn’t feel as crushing as it did last time (no biopsies helps). Crashed into bed the minute I got home from the appointments.

The bone and muscle pain from the Neulasta has started. My chest, ribs, shoulders and shoulder blades hurt. Apparently it’s the flat bones that produce the red marrow – makes sense based on where I’m feeling tender. I didn’t feel any of this after the first round.

My Aunt Debbie headed home this afternoon. So great to have her here the last few days! Especially at 8 AM this morning when the rest of my hair came tumbling down!!

I am hoping for a long and good nights sleep since I haven’t slept very well the last couple of nights. It’s interesting that this round has felt so different than the last. One thing I’ve learned through this process, so far – go into everything not knowing what to expect!

Thanks for all the comments and emails.

Quick update my friends….

Administering the Cyclophosphamide over twice the time helped with the headache.

This time I feel pretty good leaving the hospital and into the early part of the evening. It hit me hard later in the evening. (My Aunt was worried – I went white). I slept off and on and woke up early. The steroid really gives you a buzz; even though I rested I wasn’t able to sleep today. I felt better this time than I did on day one post chemo round one. I was very diligent with the hydrating and have been for the last two weeks, so maybe that made a difference.

Apparently, it’s common to have the crash after the steroid wears off – which will be tomorrow. Tomorrow is a busy day. It will begin with the clippers!. I lost about 50% of my hair today. I still have a decent amount of hair but it’s coming out in handfuls now. It’s time!

Then on to my wig appointments. I will get at least one wig tomorrow. I ordered another chemo cap from Amazon today. What do you think? (hit the comment button)

I have an appointment with my oncology surgeon, Dr. Roberts. I believe it’s just a check-in. So hopefully it won’t be too long.

I had my MRI tonight. My third one in three weeks. I do wonder what all that contrast dye and magnetic waves does to the body (I won’t be googling that!) This MRI was easy peasy compared to the others. I could lie on my back and in a normal position. I only had to be frozen on the MRI table for 35 minutes. It was open at the end so wasn’t as claustrophobic as the last one. I don’t think I will get the results until my next appointment with my medical oncologist, Dr Sehdev.

Came home, gave myself the Neulasta shot and now off, to what I hope, is a restful sleep.

I have one goal for each day of the next 5 days – 15 minutes on the trainer. If I do more – great. I did the 15 minutes today.

So sweet of these ladies…

I might be wearing this soon. Lots of hair on my pillow today.

Who would’ve thought I would ever relate to that video. Funny how the world can turn on a dime.

Lost some significant hair this morning (and it is continuing).

The crazy thing is, I still have a full head of hair (see my chemo photos below). Maybe I’ll be one of the lucky ones and I’ll only lose some of my hair and because I have so much, I will look like a normal person (finally!!).

You see, it turns out cancer can have good side effects as well as bad ones.

Apparently, at some point in this process I’m going to become enlightened (I can’t wait!!). I’m going to make all kinds of new friends and be part of a sorority (yeah more friends! Sorority parties – I am in!). Cancer is going to change me (no comment).

Well I can say, I have seen some of these positive side effects already. So far I think my thinned hair looks much better! But the best side effect so far is the massive swelling in my boobs thanks to a tumour and 4 procedures. I have increased in both breasts by 2 cups sizes!! Combine this with the 5 pounds I lost after the first round of chemo and, as I told my oncologist… I FINALLY HAVE THE BODY I HAVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF!! (Although the swelling has gone down quite a bit and my appetite came back full throttle the last few days so its all downhill from here.)

Now moving on to the serious side – I was really feeling down today, very down!

I had a splitting headache again last night. The oncologist’s concern about the headaches and sending me for a brain MRI has completely freaked me out. I know, I know… “be positive”. “It could be so many things.” However, it’s hard not to go there. It was the same with this lump. I could rationalize it away as nothing, so many other causes. The reality is this – TNBC is tricky because it tends to metastasize and quite frankly I’m scared to death. I can’t help but allow myself to imagine the worst. Only then can I assure myself that everything will be alright.

This is such a roller coaster. Every test. Waiting for the results. I was in a bad place for the first couple weeks. I couldn’t sleep, I had chest pains (some kind of panic attack I guess – never had that before). However, I got past that. My spirits have been great the last couple weeks. Once I knew the cancer hadn’t invaded my chest wall, I experienced a huge sense of relief. I’ve been positive ever since and had moved into Warrior Mode.

Having to go for a brain MRI has set me back… way back. What’s it going to be like for the next three years?!? Every time I get a few headaches I have to go for an MRI? What about when I have a stomach ache (I never get those either, so when I have them it’s unusual) or some other weird thing happens? This is the first time it hit me – the reality of what is in store for the next few years (3 years is the big risk window for TNBC re-occurrence, Five years being the big milestone – you get to ring the bell!). Up to this point, I’ve been thinking only about each day, then I moved up to each week (counting weeks until the next round)… but years – hadn’t gone there. Ouch!!!!

So… all to say I was not in a good place last night and sleep didn’t brighten my mood. I woke up with a mild headache (which scared me). Facing my second round of chemo today was a bit of icing on the “self-pity cake”.

So… I did the only thing I knew would help me. I went for an 11.2 km skate on the canal in -26 degrees (-32 with wind). I inadvertently “cancer guilted” one of my best buds, Madeleine, to go with me. She was in a nice warm bed at the time! Clearly wasn’t ready to leave it! However in true Madeleine form within five minutes she texted again to say she was getting dressed and would meet me there. It was worth it – it was a glorious morning and the ice was in good shape. After our skate she let me know “it wasn’t cancer guilt it was FOMO that got me out of bed!!!” Ha ha – love that about her!! (Those who know me well, know I also suffer from FOMO).

I made it home just as today’s “Chemo Buddy” arrived. Quickly changed, took the 4 pills I need to take before chemo (to prevent vomiting) and headed out. Today’s chemo buddy is one of the Isla girls – Deb C. aka “Big Deb”, versus the other Deb we call “Little Deb”. Which can get quite political at times! Particularly, after cocktail hour, which begins very early on Isla Mujures I might add (see where I am headed). However, this blog is a politically neutral zone, so Debs – I hope neither of you have been offended by the fact that I called Deb C. – the big Deb for today.

I digressed again – Chemo Brain. I keep forgetting to post about that!!! Damn, now where was I… oh yeah, chemo today. I had a primo location today. A bed by a big window with lots of volunteers who brought me ginger ale and freezies (flashback to getting my tonsils out). My nurse was also surprised at how much hair I still have. Although they did bring a garbage can to my bedside for my shedding hair.

They administered the second drug much slower this time so it won’t be as likely to trigger an immediate headache. (By the way, to the person – sorry I’m claiming chemo brain again – who told me I should always look at the bag to ensure it is the correct chemo. I did do that today :-). I hope I can remember for next time… ugh).

So far, so good. I feel buzzed. I feel weird. I feel sick. However, I guess I’m getting used to that feeling since it’s quite tolerable tonight (although I have been pretty much horizontal since I got home). We will see what tomorrow brings.

I did find out that my oncologist has prescribed some drugs that they (the nurses) don’t typically see used before cancer (the 4 pills). I know I have heavy steroids, which is typical but there is something different. They’re saying these steroids not only deal with nausea but will give me a boost for the first couple days. They said this may be why the first few days were tolerable last time and then I totally crashed once the steroid had worn off.

I have decided I’m going to go to every chemo looking the best I possibly can. I will put on make up and try to look healthy. If I don’t, it will feel like I’m giving in, a bit defeating. I also decided that I will show up looking like a Warrior. So I’m sporting my army fatigue Lululemon zip with a white lulu T-shirt underneath, BRING IT ON! (As you can tell, the skate was helpful).

Despite getting chemo administered, the day was brighter than when it started. It began with that beautiful skate with an incredibly supportive friend. Followed, by a wonderful visit and great conversation with my chemo buddy! Ended with coming home to a freshened house and fresh sheets that my son Kyle and Aunt Debbie had taken care of. My cup has filled back up!

My brain MRI is tomorrow. They were very accommodating and let me have a later appointment so that I can get through the worst tomorrow morning. My appointments is at 7 PM and apparently I have to have the contrast dye again. Not pleased since this will be the third time in three weeks and apparently that dye is hard on the liver (there’s a list of side effects). My poor liver – chemo is hard on the liver. Needless to say I have not had any alcohol since chemo started, nor do I plan to, nor do I feel like it. My liver needs all the help it can get.

So tomorrow’s another day. I will leave you with one of my favourite songs, it feels incredibly poignant right now.

Good night my friends and family. Thank you all for the incredible support, the beautiful emails, Facebook and text messages, the flowers, the food, the rides to appointments, the day of cleaning service, all the moral support and more. Your positive vibes and intentions will help me heal. Xo

Fix You – Cold Play

When you try your best but you don’t succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep

Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face

‘Cause you lose something you can’t replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

What could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

But high up above or down below

When you are too in love to let it show

Oh but if you never try you’ll never know

Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

oh and tears come streaming down your face

And I

Tears streaming down your face

I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes

oh and the tears streaming down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you